It to a certain extent was even ironic that it was Maria who given the state of world affairs reassured my father that going back in to the Navy was the right thing to do specially since he had been a Naval officer during the first world war but how could she or anybody have foreseen what occurred on December 8 at Pearl Harbor? So many were killed that day as we were pulled in to the war which later would be dubbed “World War 2” by an attack that claimed my father’s life. The attack on Pearl Harbor left our nation shocked but as much as it might have lead America to action it all lead my family to despair specially my grandfather who had seen his wife of many a long year as well as only son die in the span of less than half a year. He wanted so much to do something but his age was not his ally as quit the contrary he was old. What could he do? He had like my father also served in the Navy so it was with a great deal of determination that he joined once again as a commissioned officer to serve much to his disappointment in Washington as a desk officer instead of one on a battle ship or aircraft carrier like his heart had been set on. My grandfather did not feel good about not being sent to where the fighting was taking place but was convinced by an admiral friend of his that his experience could be better put to better use in Washington after all he was 70 years of age and a veteran of both “The Great War” and “The Spanish-American War”. However my grandfather’s decision to rejoin the military did not come till after Christmas and New Year of the year of Pearl Harbor so it was with great grief rather then festivities that the 3 of us my grandfather, Maria and I tried to celebrate Christmas. I had always enjoyed Christmas as a day on which our house was decorated to the maximum so that it might play host along with our family to all our relatives who would come over for dinner on Christmas day. How ostentatious those gatherings had been as all our relatives and friends would never forget to make a stop over at our house to partake in those feasts prepared by my grandmother that included just about everything one could ever imagine set on a table that was 12 feet long. The tree was also magnificent as it seemed to be the tallest thing I had ever seen in my life because every year we would bring in one from our forest that seemed to surpass the previous one. The presents under the tree were also a sight to behold as there was something for everyone with me always being the biggest recipient. It was every year that this followed but not that year as grandmother was no longer alive to prepare the feast and my father had also been taken from us just as he and Maria had been married in a rather small wedding as father had to leave almost immediately after to join his ship out in Hawaii. It was a truly depressing period in my life which could not have come at a worse time of year as far as I was concerned not that something like what had happened could have come at a good time of year but it coming at the time of year it did only served to make things several times worse. What was sadder yet was that it was not just Christmas that had been ruined but all that lead up to it as the time before the actual day to me had seemed as special as the day it self but now we would have non of that. My grandfather did not even want to hear the word Christmas as news of his son’s demise added to the one he had gotten about his wife less then half a year before disheartened him to the point of taking to drink. Something he had never done in large amounts. As for my own grief this was something I could also not bare given I too had lost two people whom I never considered being without so it was with tears that I faced this time however my sadness was different then that of my grandfather’s. I wanted to at least try to enjoy Christmas as much as I could in the hope that the loneliness of spirit which had come over me would let me be at least during the time that I spent in preparing for Christmas but unfortunately my grandfather felt the celebrating of Christmas at least as far as that year was concerned to be improper. Maria was also grieving my family’s losses for my family was hers and my father had been her husband even if just for a brief period of time given that they had gotten married on December 5. One day before my father went away to Hawaii. With regards to my grandmother this was the loss I believe she felt even more deeply then that of my father as they had become very close to the point of giving me the impression that Maria had in part married my father because she knew it was what my grandmother wanted. As for the whole affair that changed my life it began on Christmas eve which found my house dark and empty of guests with only my grandfather, Maria and myself there to share the moment that was. It really was not a case of this not being enough company or wrong kind but the mood that had been set in the house by not only those whom death had taken away but the tension that had been created by my grandfather. My grandfather not only had not allowed for anybody to come to the house he had gone as far as to not even allow us to plan any sort of celebrating for this occasion claiming it was his house and that was the only way he would have it. I so much wanted to tell my grandfather what Christmas signified to me and maybe by doing something for Christmas it would perhaps give our minds a break from our tragic losses but it was no use as when I approached my grandfather I could see that alcoholic beverages where lending soil to his disposition which had been among the sweetest I had ever known. It was exasperating for me but there was really nothing I could do. Arguably the dinner I had with my grandfather who was as inebriated as I had ever seen him and Maria whom I could also sense had had some spirits of her own on that day was even more depressing then the funeral. The situation was strange as I sat there trying to eat what was in front of me while listening to my grandfather trying to get out words through his slurring as I did not want to say anything from fear of saying the inappropriate. So incomprehensible were his words that I had no idea what he was talking about or to whom he was speaking to or if his were questions but one thing was sure I wanted to finish up fast and go to my room so I could cry like I had so wanted to. I really am not certain what it was that kept me from breaking out in tears at the table, maybe it was not wanting my grandfather to react toward it but there was something that kept my emotions hidden from my grandfather but not from Maria. She knew I was anxious to go to bed but could see I had not finished my food so with her looking at me I suddenly got the idea to go to bed. I just said “I am finished, I am going to bed now good night, grandpa”. It was just as I was about to go off to my room that my grandfather who was sitting at the other side of this table and could not see my plate which I had not emptied asked Maria if I had finished my dinner to which Maria lied on my behalf saying I had. My grandfather did not say anything after that not even good night as Maria winked at me in solidarity. I remember going to my bedroom with the knowledge that the following day would be Christmas yet not with the feelings of joy that usually accompanied me on the night known as Christmas eve. This night was different as the following day Christmas would be only a day on the calendar but nothing else as all that I associated with this day would not be. There would be no family to share the day, no dinner that was special for the occasion, no presents, no decorations and above all my father and grandmother would not be there even if the memory of them would not go out of my mind. Once in my bedroom with sadness all about me from not only my mind but everything that surrounded me I went to bed where I turned out the light on my night table so I could look out the large window. I really do not know what it was about the view from my bedroom window that always managed to set my mind to wonder about as my eyes took in the view that went as far as the horizon. So beautiful was the sight that went as far as the eye could see and how this view was dear to me only I knew as I had never enjoyed it with anybody. Perhaps my fears lay along the lines of having it taken away from me if I were to share it. Perhaps this may seem inane now but then it did not as this view was special just because it was mine and whenever I let my eyes wonder through out it so was it that my mind did the same. On occasions my mind would wonder so far from the scope of my life that it seemed that I had stepped out of who I was and the life I knew as this view let my mind look at things from such a dispassionate point that I forget myself and the person I was and turned in to only a mentality that saw the world for what it was instead of the from the person I was. As far as that particular night is concerned there was snow to be seen everywhere covering everything in white making my mood even more melancholic as it added to the feeling of Christmas which was not inside me. In a way that night my sentiments were alien to me as I cried without fully realizing the motive behind my teas. Were they for my father who had been killed abroad a ship in Hawaii or perhaps for my grandmother who had also passed away not long ago or were they for myself whose life had been changed in a way that would never include the society of those he had lost? This I did not think of at the time as despair was all around me which was being aggravated by the Christmas that we could not celebrate due to my grandfather’s drunken behavior who had even labeled it as immoral to even think of it. It was under these circumstances that Maria entered my room as she too was being dragged down by the weight of tragic loss and grief over how this time of year which normally held so much cheer was now bringing all the opposite. I had seen Maria enter my bedroom late at night so many times and for so many reasons during the time she had been with us that it did not catch my attention until that night. There was something rare about her that night as she came in to my room wearing her white nightgown and sat on my bed turning on my night lamp as she could see that I was not asleep. As the light went on the vision of her made its way to the back of my mind which was seeing her really for the first time as a woman who was in need of comfort as was I and as she saw me she knew I wanted to talk to her like I had done so many times in the past. Maria really did not look different but there was something about her that night that let me know that this visit she was making to my bedroom was not only for me but for herself as well. Her eyes as she sat up on my bed while I lay told me she had come to tell me something she needed me to hear as if I could offer her any words of wisdom.